I have a very shoddy history with keeping people round. There’s a very big part of me that hates things being left unsaid, that wants to bury the hatchet believing everyone is kind deep down. But then there’s the conflict averse Hare that is very good at disappearing. It was a skill I honed for quite some time, whether I like it or not, leading to (at one point) my social circles shifting drastically every 6 months or so…
I wrote a video in 2022 called about my photo album, talking about rebuilding connections with people from my past and hating said past less. I had the right spirit, but I was not there yet. I didn’t realise that apathy towards the past was not embracing it, and over time I would come to hate the time I was living in with a similar strength I held towards this past version of me… Ironic, I know.
It wasn’t until someone very close to me started to realise their own struggles with alcohol and became a member of AA that things started changing for me. We are blisteringly similar at points, and watching them go through the program and their journey of reconciling this person they used to be was empowering. They just stopped, acknowledged their own shortcomings, apologised, and began moving on. Which was not something I realised could be done…
So I set to work doing the same. It’s been a slow process, and one full of standoffish responses or ignored messages, but that’s okay - you can walk into a room full of 10 people, 1 won’t like you and there is nothing you can do about that.
People change, I change, that’s a part of life.
Those willing to have me back in their life - brilliant, that’s amazing, I look forward to building more memories with them.
But there are those who won’t have me, that’s very much okay too.
Re-connection is the goal but not the reason - the reason is accepting the past. The more I acknowledge the shitty teenager I was (and less-shitty-but-still-not-great gal in her early 20s), the more this new person I am becoming grows stronger and more confident.
I try not to judge people on their failures (within reason), I judge them on how they respond to those failures. I absolutely understand and empathise with those who put their head in the sand and try to ignore it, and I don’t blame them I’ve done that myself more times I can count. But those who step up, acknowledge where they’ve fucked up, and try to move on - those are the people I trust.
Lots of love,
Hare xx