This fucking year, I swear to god. I’m not even in a period of massive crisis right now, I’m just tired.
It’s been a bit difficult managing myself, and I think ultimately I’m making the right decisions but it’s hard to know for sure when almost every facet of my being has been called into question.
If you’ll indulge a confusing metaphor so I can mince my words:
When I was younger, everyone expected me to want to dance. I never questioned it, it was just something that people did. And I liked the idea of it. First time I danced wasn’t incredible, to be honest, but no-ones is! Only issue was, the person I danced with wanted me to do it again and again and again. But they pushed me to hard, and they hurt me.
Once I thought I was ready enough to dance again, I danced. But I wasn’t healed, I never looked at the wounds or saw a doctor about them. To counteract the hurt caused by this first dancer, I became quite prolific. I danced with so many I have honestly lost count. But I got injured again recently, and this one forced me to take some time to rest.
I didn’t really know how to cope, dancing was such a big part of my life. And it’s not like I didn’t want to, or did I? My relationship with dancing changed, and being put on medication that was meant to make me less driven to dance didn’t help. When dancing what such an important part of society, apparently, it’s hard not to feel broken.
I still don’t know where I sit on this, in all honesty, but I do like the description of myself I gave in Another God Damn Blog - poly, kinky, transfemme slut. Or at least, I think I do.
That’s the crux of this entire blog, in all honesty. I’m trying to figure out who I am, what I hold dear, where I sit. I thought that was such a fundamental part of me, my dancing. When that’s called into question, it’s hard not to question everything. But I want to dance, it’s something I know people in my life enjoy and I want to share that with them.
I’m doing a bloody newspaper interview on Thursday, let’s hope they don’t ask me to describe myself.
Lots of love,
Hare xx